I think I may have just had a panic attack.  I have no idea what one feels like but from what I have read I am wondering if that is what I just experienced.  I was reading to Peanut… she is very sick right now with a terrible cough.  She has asthma, so whenever she gets a cough she has a hard time breathing and it’s very scary.  So that is what has been going on this week.  So on top of my usualy worries and anxiety I am worried about how sick she is.

Anyways, I was reading to her thinking about how I just can’t have her being sick like this anymore this year.  So, I was thinking about the various activities we go to- story times, play groups, church, etc.  And I started thinking about how I want to just keep Peanut at home until spring.  Then I started thinking about how sad and lonely I already feel and the thought of never leaving the house made me start to cry.  Then I felt like there was a crushing pressure and pain in my chest and I couldn’t catch breath.  I was shaking and crying.

So, I am wondering if it could have been a panic attack???

So the other day I was planning my weekly trip to the grocery store.  It’s usually a family affair when it’s time for groceries- and we all go together.  I used to do the shopping by myself but since George started working from home he has always wanted to go too.  I think it’s an excuse to get out of the house.

Anyhoo, I asked George when he wanted to go.  It was around 11am when I asked him and none of us were dressed yet.  So he said, “We can go now.”  I explained that by the time we got ready and left it would be getting too close to lunch time and Peanut would get grouchy.  So he was quiet for a few minutes and then said, “How about this.  After Peanut’s nap we’ll go to Linen’s and Things (they are going out of business) then we’ll head to the mall and eat dinner there.  After that we can go to the grocery store.”  I agreed.  And then I spent the rest of the day looking forward to going.  Because my life is clearly filled with excitement.

The trouble started when we couldn’t find Linens and Things.  George thought he knew where it was (we have never been there) and it wasn’t where he thought it was.  I though I knew where it could be- but he wouldn’t check there (even though we were about 1 minute away from the plaza I thought it was in).  Then George got tired of my side seat driving and stopped the car and we switched.  I drove to where I thought it was- and it was there.  We wasted a half hour driving around because George refused to check where I thought it was.  And still- he says it used to be where he thought it was.  Apparently when they decided to go out of business they moved to a new building.  Clearly that makes all sorts of sense.

So then.

After we left Linens and Things (we didn’t buy anything) we headed to the mall.  And we got stuck in rush hour traffic.  Lovely.  The entire time we were stuck George yelled at me about how this was the reason we shouldn’t head out at this time of evening.  And it was my fault.  Because apparently he told me we should never be out in traffic at that time.  He was mad and said we were just going home.  But, we had promised Peanut and ride on the carousel at the mall- and since he didn’t want to make her sad we went to the mall.  From there on out we had a great time.  But, still- I am sick and tired of getting yelled at all of the time about every little thing- whether it is my fault or not, George will turn it into being my fault.

There are so many things in life to worry about.  And if it can be worried about, I worry about it.  I envy people who just kind of go with things and never worry.  I wish I could be like that.  But most of the time my stomach is in knot and I am feeling worried or anxious about something.  And if there isn’t anything real to worry about I will make something up to worry about.

Anyhoo- one thing that can put your mind at ease when it comes to some of the worrying is a company like Cryo-Cell.  You can bank your baby’s cord blood with them and it can be used to treat many diseases.  There are 75 diseases that can be treated my the stem cells from a baby’s cord blood.  And scientists are working hard to find more diseases that can be helped with the stem cells.

Now if you want to keep up with Cryo-Cell and have all of the latest information you can check them out on Cryo-Cell on Facebook and Cryo-Cell on Twitter.  Be sure to check out their site and their Facebook and Twitter pages.  There is a vast amount of information!

I have a regular blog.  One where I post pictures of Peanut and tell what we have been doing.  I pretend that everything is happy and wonderful and peaceful and perfect.  No one knows how much I suffer in silence from problems with anxiety.  I worry so much I make myself sick.  I worry over every single little thing until I am wringing my hands and pacing.  I must keep myself very busy to keep my mind from finding new things to worry about.

So I decided to start a new blog.  One where I could be anonymous.  I didn’t tell my family and real life friends about it.  The only people who read my blog (I THINK!) are people who have never met me in real life.  But it feels good.  I write about all of the stuff I worry and stress over.  Things that I don’t want people I know in real life to know about.  And every single time I post about my latest anxiety or panic attack- I feel better instantly.  And then when I get comments or emails about people who have gone through or are going through what I am, I know that is why I do this.

Today I found about about MyTherapyJournal.com where you can keep an online journal that is private so that you can feel safe and protected.  There are a lot of journaling benefits which you can read about on their site.  There are health care providers who use their services in addition to the military and soldiers returning from the war who have PTSD.  There are thousands of members who have joined America’s #1 source of online journaling.  Journaling can be a very healing process and I hope you’ll give it a try.