I think I may have just had a panic attack.  I have no idea what one feels like but from what I have read I am wondering if that is what I just experienced.  I was reading to Peanut… she is very sick right now with a terrible cough.  She has asthma, so whenever she gets a cough she has a hard time breathing and it’s very scary.  So that is what has been going on this week.  So on top of my usualy worries and anxiety I am worried about how sick she is.

Anyways, I was reading to her thinking about how I just can’t have her being sick like this anymore this year.  So, I was thinking about the various activities we go to- story times, play groups, church, etc.  And I started thinking about how I want to just keep Peanut at home until spring.  Then I started thinking about how sad and lonely I already feel and the thought of never leaving the house made me start to cry.  Then I felt like there was a crushing pressure and pain in my chest and I couldn’t catch breath.  I was shaking and crying.

So, I am wondering if it could have been a panic attack???

I posted not to long ago about how I wanted to talk to someone I saw the other day at church who I think I know from several years ago.  But, I didn’t talk to her because I knew if I did my face would turn all red.  I have been thinking about how much of an effect this has on my life.  It’s huge.  I avoid a lot of things because I know my face will turn red.  There have been times I wanted to go somewhere and be a part of a mommy group with Peanut, but I knew my face would turn all red when people talk to me.  When I see someone I know out in public (the mall, the grocery store) I turn all red.  When someone talks to me, I turn all red.  Why in the world do I do it?  I am not embarrassed.  It doesn’t make any sense.  So often I have things I want to say in a group or people I would love to talk to.  But I hold back and I don’t do it.  I wish there was some sort of pill I could take to make this go away.  I hate it.

Miss B called the other day and the said she wanted to come and see us this weekend.  If you’ve read my blog at all then you know that this is quite a surprise.  The last time she was at our house was, I don’t rememberr.  We have seen her since then but only if we traveled to see her. 

Of course, we want to see Miss B, it’s just surprising that she wants to suddenly see us.  I do wonder what is going on.  Crazy keeps calling and asking what time Miss B is going to get picked up which is very unusual.  It seems like she doesn’t want Miss B alone in the house and I’m wondering what is going on.

George is really annoying me lately.  For some reason he is extremely grumpy and doing lots of yelling.  So last night I asked him what his problem was.  It turns out he’s mad at me.

A few nights ago I wasn’t feeling well.  I was working on my computer when all of a sudden I was extremely dizzy and felt like I was going to throw up.  So I turned everything off and told George I was sick and going to bed.  A few minutes later he came into bed and asked what was wrong.  So I told him the room was spinning and I felt terrible and couldn’t move.  He started to rub my back and actually rubbed my back for about a half an hour.  That last time that happened was… I have no idea.  So I thought he was being really nice since I didn’t feel good.  It turns out he had something else in mind.  I reminded him that I couldn’t move because I was so dizzy.  Apparently when I did that I was blowing him off.  So, now a few days later he is still mad at me over this.

Ridiculous.  And now I’m mad that he didn’t care how sick I was feeling.