Why do I worry so much?  I don’t know.  I worry to the point of making myself sick to my stomach.  Most days I wake up so full of worry that I am nauseous right away.

I worry mostly about Peanut.  She is a healthy and happy toddler, so why do I worry so much?  I don’t know.  I worry that- what if something is wrong and I don’t know it?  What if there are signs that I am missing?  She does some unusual things with her eyes.  A pediatric neurologist once watched a video I made of her doing these things.  He said that while it is unusual that some children do things like that while their brains are developing.  He said that as she gets older it will lessen and stop.  And so far it has lessened by a lot.  She doesn’t do it much anymore at all.  But she recently started doing another weird eye thing.  Her pediatrician has assured me that it’s probably just a “thing.”  Kids do things like this at this age.  The pediatrician has told me that Peanut is very healthy and advanced.  She has told me to stop worrying.  Others that I have talked to about this- my mom, George- have also told me to stop worrying.  Peanut has always had very animated facial expressions and it’s probably just something new she is trying.

So, why can’t I stop worrying?  Why can’t I get it out of my head?  It is consuming me.  It is taking joy out of my life.  I spend so much time being anxious and sick to my stomach that I am missing out on a lot of fun.  Peanut is at a very fun age and I should be enjoying this time so much more.  I do enjoy her and we do have a lot of fun together.  But, lately I have been so consumed with anxiety that I can not stop thinking and worrying about her all of the time.

I tell myself constantly, she is probably doing it on purpose- because I can actually make her do it sometimes.  I tell myself that if she is not doing it on purpose then it is probably related to the other unusual eye movements she has done- something she will stop doing as she gets older.  I have these conversations with myself all day long.

When we go out and are around other people I am usually better- I’m distracted and not thinking constantly about worrying.  When we visit my parents or they visit us- I feel completely fine.  It’s just when I am at home (which is where I usually am) I feel anxious.  It is consuming my life.