I am feeling really disappointed today.  I really want to move back to our home town.  Since George and I both work from home it should be easy to just move, right?  No job changing to go through.  The problem is that I think it would be hard to get approved for a mortgage because we have only been doing this since March of this year.  So, it hasn’t even been a year yet.  So, what I think we should do is sell our house and move to our home town and rent for a year.  That would give us some more time to show that we can make money and make it consistently with what we are doing.

So, I’ve been looking at some rentals in the town we want to move to.  And I found something that seemed perfect.  It’s actually a townhouse that is only a little smaller than our house we are in now.  And the rent costs about the same as our house.  It has 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and just seems perfect.  It also says on their site that they are pet friendly.  So, I contacted them to make sure that includes dogs.  And it does, but only dogs 25 pounds and under.  Our dog is probably closer to 35 pounds.  She is a little bit overweight, but she is a quiet old dog.  Anyways, I guess they are pretty strict about their policy- which is understandable.  If you allow a 35 pound dog what about a 40 pound dog?  And so on.  You have to draw the line somewhere.  So, even though I understand I feel very disappointed.

We celebrated Peanut’s birthday a while ago.  We traveled out of town to where our families live to make it easier.  Although we have to drive three hours with a toddler I know it is easier than asking people to come here to celebrate her birthday.  Although if we had it here, I know the only ones who would come would be my parents and probably my great aunt.  No one from George’s side of the family would come.

So I sent out invitations to the family with an RSVP date on it.  Not a really big deal because we were just having it at a nearby park.  But still we needed to know how much food to bring and how big of a cake to order, how many plates, cups, etc. to buy.  So, the day before the RSVP date no one from George’s family had responded.  So he called his mom and she got answers for us.  Most of his brothers were planning to come, I’m not sure when they were going to tell us.

Anyways, my MIL said she wasn’t sure if she would come (which is no surprise) because she didn’t know how she would feel.  I thought the way it usually worked was you said yes and then if you happened to be sick on the day of the party you would call and say, “I’m sick, I can’t come.”  You don’t say several days in advance that you might not feel good so you’re not sure.  So, I knew then she wasn’t coming.  It really annoys me that Peanut’s own grandmother can not take a hour or so to come to her own granddaughters birthday party, taking place 5 minutes from her home.  Especially when we were traveling from out of town so they could all come.

The party was wonderful anyways.  Most of George’s family did come and my FIL came.  No MIL though.  I guess that’s just how she is and it’s hard for me to accept it.

So today was a pretty good day.  I’ve been having a really rough time lately.  With anxiety and feeling really down and depressed.  But today was good.  This morning was a usual morning.  This afternoon Peanut and I ran some errands.  We came home, had dinner, went for a walk and now Peanut and George are playing together in the family room and I’m having some “me” time.  So, it was actually a pretty ordinary day but it felt pretty good compared to how I have felt lately.  My anxiety was even low enough that I ate twice today.  And lately that hasn’t been happening at all- I’ve been too sick to my stomach with anxiety to eat much.  So, I feel really good tonight.  Hopefully getting Peanut ready for bed will go smoothly and I can have a nice relaxing evening watching some TV with George.

Why do I worry so much?  I don’t know.  I worry to the point of making myself sick to my stomach.  Most days I wake up so full of worry that I am nauseous right away.

I worry mostly about Peanut.  She is a healthy and happy toddler, so why do I worry so much?  I don’t know.  I worry that- what if something is wrong and I don’t know it?  What if there are signs that I am missing?  She does some unusual things with her eyes.  A pediatric neurologist once watched a video I made of her doing these things.  He said that while it is unusual that some children do things like that while their brains are developing.  He said that as she gets older it will lessen and stop.  And so far it has lessened by a lot.  She doesn’t do it much anymore at all.  But she recently started doing another weird eye thing.  Her pediatrician has assured me that it’s probably just a “thing.”  Kids do things like this at this age.  The pediatrician has told me that Peanut is very healthy and advanced.  She has told me to stop worrying.  Others that I have talked to about this- my mom, George- have also told me to stop worrying.  Peanut has always had very animated facial expressions and it’s probably just something new she is trying.

So, why can’t I stop worrying?  Why can’t I get it out of my head?  It is consuming me.  It is taking joy out of my life.  I spend so much time being anxious and sick to my stomach that I am missing out on a lot of fun.  Peanut is at a very fun age and I should be enjoying this time so much more.  I do enjoy her and we do have a lot of fun together.  But, lately I have been so consumed with anxiety that I can not stop thinking and worrying about her all of the time.

I tell myself constantly, she is probably doing it on purpose- because I can actually make her do it sometimes.  I tell myself that if she is not doing it on purpose then it is probably related to the other unusual eye movements she has done- something she will stop doing as she gets older.  I have these conversations with myself all day long.

When we go out and are around other people I am usually better- I’m distracted and not thinking constantly about worrying.  When we visit my parents or they visit us- I feel completely fine.  It’s just when I am at home (which is where I usually am) I feel anxious.  It is consuming my life.